And I’m not afraid to admit it! You show me a big ol’ (b)ass and I’mma start sending every lure I got to try and catch (holla at) it. Some people like the stream lined look of a trout, but not me. I’m all about that (b)ass, ’bout that (b)ass no trout. And here’s why:
There’s A Lot of Quality (b)Asses Out There
(b)ass are found just about everywhere. If you see any medium-depth to shallow water with reeds, trees, or any other obstacle, then there is a big ol’ (b)ass in there. You don’t have to go to some ritzy reservoir, where every fish was raised on veggie burgers and quinoa to find quality (b)ass (don’t ever tell me quinoa tastes good, you are simply a liar. Yep I’m talking to you Mom). Trust me, the sooner you start appreciating all the fine (b)ass around you, the happier you’ll be. I’m cheesin’ from cheek to cheek (rip Mac Miller) after catching this little guy at my favorite local spot:
EDITORS NOTE: Obviously this blog is heavily reliant on my ability to take decent-ish pictures of me and the fish I catch (and actually mostly just pictures of Bubz). Since Tommy left to do something involving drugs (med school but it sounds better this way), I thought I’d be at a loss for how to take the pictures. Well guess what? I found a function on my phone that lets me just shout “CHEESE!” at my phone and it takes the picture from any distance. Its crazy how easily technology has replaced my entire friendship with Tommy.
A Good (b)Ass Always Comes with Some Personality
Let’s be honest, a trout’s personality, despite how vibrant their appearance is, sucks. They take playing hard to get to the next level, you throw them a quality lure and they laugh at it. You throw them a knock-off anything-that-is-nice-and-shiny and they might actually bite. Once you get them to bite they are still finicky and will likely spit out the hook seconds away from you sealing the deal. A quality (b)ass? Well they usually come in two personalities:
a) A big bad mamma-jamma large mouth (b)ass that doesn’t mind telling you what they’re thinking:
This is of course a largemouth bass. Yes they have a big mouth and can easily inhale your lure. They are also physically larger then their cousins below (I have no idea if cousin is the appropriate familial relation to use here).
b) A small mouth “smallie” full of spunk and a massive napoleon complex that makes catching them downright scary:
This is a small mouth bass (fisherman call them smallies). I’ve only ever caught one and it happened to be a big one. While large mouth bass have size on their hands, smallies have dense muscle and intense rage. This smallie fought very hard and once I had it on shore, it was actually fairly scary trying to grab it and take the hook out. They aren’t nearly as common around MA, but are one of the most abundant game fish where I live in NY.
The fiestier the (b)ass, the better the overall experience. Smallies are intense and give a great fight, but if you catch a real big large mouth there is nothing better in my opinion. But either way, you’re having a good time with some (b)ass.
(b)Ass Come in All Shapes and Sizes
Don’t think you’re a (b)ass man (or lady)? Trust me, (b)ass come in all shapes and sizes. You can find a nice-and-tight (b)ass like this (I am officially sorry for starting this joke):
Or you can find a big ol’ (b)ass such as this:
It really doesn’t matter what your personal preferences are, there is a type of (b)ass out there for you. In either case, you get a (b)ass on the line you’re in for a good, and possibly scary, time. I should warn you though, when perusing pictures of (b)ass on the internet, remember its all about the angles. For instance, this (b)ass:
is actually a good deal smaller than this (b)ass:
Don’t let yourself be tricked by the pictures other insecure fisherman post of the (b)ass they’re hauling in. Any good photo of some (b)ass gives a very clear reference angle (I will never do this) to let you compare across other (b)ass you’ve encountered.
Why I Wrote a Bass Blog
I wrote this blog for two reasons:
a) Because I just spent the last 24 hours pissed off that I lost a trout about a split-second from reeling it in at a place I had been trying to prove there’s trout in there. I’ve basically just spent the day staring off in the distance and listening to sad music. It looked something like this:
b) Because I’ve spent way too much time trying to track down huge lake trout or tiny brook trout or really any other fish that is insanely hard to find this summer, I lost out on having much more fun catching all the (b)ass around me. They are really fun fish to get on the line, give a great fight, and you can hold them without worrying about getting your hand bit off (they don’t have teeth, just a weird brillow pad type thing). I’ve never not enjoyed catching some nice (b)ass. Stephen Stills said it best,
“If you can’t be with the one you love, honey; love the one you’re with.”
Cast and Pray,
Jon (see below for the obligatory Bubz bonus)
To quote a campbells soup ad from my childhood – ‘why settle when you can select?’. Bass is settling jonny, no two ways about it. Gotta get a laker under your belt.