What to Do When You’re Dog is Handsome AF But Can’t Sit Still (And I’m Back!)

I have one large (~90 lbs) problem – I happen to think my dog Bubz is a handsome AF little boy but he rarely sits still enough for me to prove it. Anybody with a dog/cat/toddler can relate to this, all you want is your little guy /girl to sit still for one second and yet the timing just doesn’t line up. I realize some of you may not love the fact I just compared having children to owning a dog and are probably looking like this:

Well too bad. I decided if you have to feed and subsequently clean up another being’s poop then it’s a child. If anything, your child is going to grow up and learn how to be a functioning adult, my child is going to not listen to me and eat goose poop off of the ground until the day he dies (which is never-day). Anyways, back to the problem at paw. Like I said, Bubz is capable of taking photos like this:

Pretty dang handsome in my humble and completely unbiased opinion. The problem is this is an incredibly rare occurrence. The biggest issue is Bubz’s nose – it never stops leading him in a new (and usually wrong) direction. And the more you ask him to sit still, the more he gets excited because you’re talking to him and then eventually he goes berserk and starts to try and nibble your face (when a 90 lb dog tries to nibble your face you need to be able to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge). The following sequence of photos helps illuminate the problem:

So clearly this is a very difficult task, but I’ve had Bubz for 5 years now and have discovered essentially two solutions. Ideally I would have three solutions, mostly because three is a more satisfying number and therefore makes for a better blog. But I couldn’t think of another one and even if I did it would be a lie, whereas these two solutions below are actually genuine.

Stratagem Number One – Catch Them in Action

Like I said, banking on getting Bubz to sit still and stare directly at the camera is a great way to not get a nice picture of him. However, if he is sufficiently distracted with, say, a stick he’s trying to eat AND you are slightly behind him so he doesn’t think you’re trying to take said stick, you might have a chance. See below:

Pretty nice picture right? It’s not a great profile of him but its got nature and he looks like he is serenely gazing out onto the water. In reality he’s looking for a potential critter he could chase and hopefully eviscerate, but that’s not the point – this is all for that insta clout. The only real issue is Bubz might catch wind of your plan and not appreciate the deception. In the below example, I was attempting to take a picture of him in the snow walking towards me (already breaking my own advice):

Well, let’s just say Bubz didn’t appreciate that and attempted to bull-rush me:

And by “attempt to bull-rush me” I clearly meant successfully bull-rush me. So obviously this method is not fool proof. It still takes timing, guts, and the ability to use a quick swim move on your dog to avoid the rush (ideally this will end the misplaced football references but no promises).

Stratagem Number Two – Wait Until They Are Asleep

This solution is extremely simple and very effective. You see, as long as Bubz is sufficiently walked, he sleeps at least 16 hours a day. And he is extremely lazy once he’s settled into a couch and ready for his typical post-breakfast/morning walk 5 hour power nap. Which means the most resistance you’ll get from him while taking a picture is the occasional growl and the stare in the first picture I used in this blog. Now, you still have to go slow. So if you see him draped on the couch like this:

You should still be tiptoeing. If you don’t, Bubz is liable to get too excited because he think’s you’re about to pet him and then we’re back at square one. The key is to not move too slow, but still act like you’re just going about your day and, at the last possible second, sneak out your phone and take the photo:

This approach is fairly straightforward and yields very cute photos of Bubz. The drawbacks are the photos are just that – cute, not handsome since Bubz basically just melts into any couch he lays on. Another drawback is that if it is anywhere close to dinner time (~3 hours before dinner time) then Bubz is prone to use your picture-taking as an excuse to start begging. And once he starts begging he doesn’t stop – it’s extremely annoying. But all-in-all this is probably your best chance of getting a good photo of Bubz. Now for a quick update on the fishing.

I’m Back!

The prodigal son of Gardner has returned after a truly wonderful four months of staring at my computer in isolation – thank goodness for the fishing I was able to do. But I’m offically back in MA and hell bent on figuring out if it possible to catch fish in the winter. I (my mom) discovered some waders (and a tree-hunting vest, see end of blog) down in the cellar so I decided to try them out in the brook behind my house:

I didn’t catch anything but I’m actually fairly encouraged, the waders give me better access to smaller streams and rivers which I think will be the best bet this winter. I think I have a chance of catching a big, hibernating bass but it’s gonna take some trial and error. I’ll certainly keep you updated, the main plan is to…

Cast and pray,

Jon (see below for me trying on a hunting vest that has straps apparently used to tie yourself to a tree… like actually)